GOING HOME

We “leave home” so many times as we are growing up. We leave for the first day of school. We leave to go play with our friends. We leave to go shopping. We leave to go have some fun with friends. We leave on our first date. We leave when we graduate high school and go away to college. We leave when we get married. But we always Go Home, at least for a time. Remember when we were children and we were allowed to play until the street lights came on. On the street where I grew up there were about 24 houses and well over 50 children of various ages. On any given day you could find half of those kids in the middle of the street playing kick ball, football, baseball, bike riding ~ we were outside as long as we were allowed ~ until the street lights came on. When the street lights came on the games stopped and we knew it was time to Go Home. Good times! Wonderful memories!

Going home as an adult is not always that easy. Going home as an Adult Survivor of Childhood Abuse ~ A THRIVOR ~ may not be easy. It may bring back unwanted memories. I left my childhood home on December 27, 1972. When I left I decided I was never going home again. I have only been back one time, that was 10 years ago. My grandson had a Make-A-Wish dream come true. He wanted to go to Disney World and to “see the rockets”. So we did. It was an emotional trip for me. We went to Disney World in Orlando. We visited Kennedy Space Center ~ which will always be Cape Canaveral to me ~ took the bus tour. Realized how cramped some of those block houses were and saw some of the conditions my Dad worked with. We went to Ron Jon's Surf Shop. We visited Dempsey Drive. Wow, what an experience that was!! I played the role of tourist. As I look back now I think that trip may have been the little, tiny spark that set me up to work through the childhood issues of abuse and put me on the way to becoming A THRIVOR.

At the end of Dempsey Drive is a park. When I was growing up the park had what must have been a 7 foot metal slide...boy would that get hot when the sun shone on it. There was a set of monkey bars, a merry-go-round and a swing set that must have been 15 feet tall. The swing set. MY swing set. That was my safe haven. I had a friend that would meet me down there. We would go home from school, get our homework and chores done and then meet at the park. I can't tell you what we talked about. But we would swing and swing and swing. He would swing so high that the chains would go slack and I knew he was going to fall out of the swing and at the very least break an arm or leg. It really scared me!! When we tired of swinging we would just sit on the merry-go-round and kind of push it with our feet. Or he would get off and push so hard and fast that I would start to slide off. I didn't like the slide very much because it was so high, think I was dared into sliding down that slide. Then it became fun! But I knew that when the street lights came on the fun was over for the day. That trip back home 10 years ago ~ I think that was the first time I ever walked down the street with my head held up. I just started out walking toward home from the park, with my head down like I did as a child. Then I realized what I was doing and that I didn't have to be ashamed of who I am, so about half way up the block I held my head up, walked all the way to the end of the street, turned around and walked back to the park, with my head held high.

Next week, I am going home again. I am filled with so many different emotions. Excitement, trepidation, nervousness, awesome wonder that I am being able to do this. Fear, yes, fear. I know I took the word out of my vocabulary but I am feeling some fear. My senses will probably go on overload. I can't wait to smell the ocean ~ did you know that the ocean has a distinct smell? I didn't until 10 years ago. I can't wait to feel the salt and the moisture in the air. Did you know that when it is humid enough you can SEE moisture in the air, even when it is not raining? I want sand in my toes, wind in my hair and ocean spray on my skin. I want to build a sand castle. I want to walk on the beach, another of my safe havens. I want to go to my park and swing on my swing. I want to swing high and look out into the islands and remember the dreams I had as a child. I want to swing high and reach for the moon and the stars.

When I go home next week it will be different than the last time I went home. Before when I went home I knew I had been abused as a child but I did not have specific memories. This time I am going home with specific memories. The past several months I have been involved in counseling to deal with the issues that have come into my adult life as a result of being a childhood abuse survivor. This time I am coming home with specific memories ~ full color, detailed memories ~ of the abuse that occurred when I was a child. I haven't remembered all of the 'missing years' and I don't know if I need to. I have remembered enough to know at what age the abuse started and at what age the abuse stopped. This trip is important to me, I don't know if I fully understand why yet, just know that it is. I will see people I have not seen in 40 years. I will meet people I have not met before. I will see the friend that helped me admit that I was abused as a child and I will see the friend that has counseled me into the process of healing and becoming A THRIVOR. But whatever I will do next week ~ I will walk tall and I will hold my head up because I AM A THRIVOR.